???

Freaking out
this is the first time in ever that I don't know exactly how much I weigh right now. It's an awful feeling - I mean I've always known.
I have an appointment with my councillor today, and I do not feel like going at all. at all. I think I'm gonna cancel it unless something gets done. I don't need to pay people to literally just sit and smile and nod at me, I'm paying him to fucking do something.
ugh, I'm pissed today.

"I feel fucking claustrophobic in this body. I've stopped leaving the house. I don't answer the phone anymore when old friends call. I didn't have many friends before but I used to go to the pub on a weekend and drink with people I know, I no longer do that. I've stopped calling my boyfriend which has really hurt and confused the fuck out of him. I have exams next week that determine what university I get into and I'm not even revising for them. I'm just obsessively cleaning my room, which is SO not like me, I'm the untidiest person alive. I don't even wear makeup or get dressed anymore. I've given up. I just want to go into hiding."

I wrote that exactly a year ago, and nothing has fucking changed. not one fucking thing. nothing.
I still want to go into hiding so being forced to leave the house to pay someone £20 to listen to me is fucking ridiculous.
I need to stop hating people. I really do.

But I mean the only way I can get people to leave me alone is to be a complete and utter bitch to them, and it's almost like then I can go SEE. SEE. I TOLD you nobody liked me, didn't I - I TOLD you all, I knew I was right.

fuckingheaddeskfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckmylife. ajsdhfba.

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